Can't think of an apt title...

Whoa! Unable to sleep and feeling overwhelmed by my feelings, I’m writing something after a gap of almost an year. Isn’t it funny how quickly time flies? A lot of things have changed, including me of course!  Lately I have realized that I’ve given unnecessary importance to the people and feelings which didn’t deserve the tiniest bit of my attention and energy rather than focusing on the ones who are the centre of my universe. Well yeah, this one is about friendship too, but it’s not the stuff I usually write about. 

It’s all about the time, sometimes love comes from the most unexpected corners. I came across this quote and in my opinion, no truer words have been said; “The single hand that wipes your tears in your difficult times is more valuable than the countless hands that come together to clap on your success.” Friendship knocked me down to the lowest and left me shattered, and when I was gathering the pieces of ‘shattered me’, I stumbled upon three vibrant souls who left me completely awestruck. Fixing the pieces up and bouncing back to life as a stronger and wiser person wouldn’t have been possible if they weren’t there to fill their love in those voids, or I should say scars that were left on my bruised soul. When people get to know you, when they see the darkness of your soul, very few are brave enough to stay, and after knowing it all, after knowing the real me and my fuck ups, they stayed. My problems became theirs, and they solved them up with a kind of compassion that’s very rare these days, for everyone is so occupied with their own issues, yet they were there all the time to listen to my endless ranting about life, people, and relevant as well as irrelevant issues. It’s unbelievable, how someone who is miles apart can understands you so well that they can figure out you are not okay just by the words you use while texting  them.  From the conversations about totally random topics to the deep intellectual 2am type of conversations, unconditional love binds us together. They are the ones who have been happier than me in my happiness and worried about me during the bad times. No one has ever cared  for me like they do, listening to me and knocking some senses in my head when they themselves were having a terrible headache, for the words that were like a magical healing therapy for my heart, for pulling me out of my pain and making me smile when I felt like my world was falling apart, traveling long distance in the metro on an insanely hot and humid day just to meet me and making me feel so special, and for being the best people in every possible way and uplifting me and thinking  that despite of all my flaws, I’m not a horrible person and I’m worthy of being loved. Little things done purely out of love occupy a huge space in my heart, no matter I say it or not...and honestly the list is very long.

As I write this one up with a huge grin on my face and teary eyes, I reminisce and contemplate all the wonderful moments spent with them. When you are with the right set of people, you can make awesome-tastic memories with something like cucumbers, pancakes, cheesecake which wasn’t exactly a cheesecake, or even saas-bahu soaps.  Sometimes words fail to express what the heart feels and it’s one those times. Life seems beautiful when your blessings are bigger than any of your problems and fears. It’s not that I don’t have any problems or fears, but more than that I’m blessed to have them. Their mere presence is enough to light up my life, like the stars that light up the dark sky. I consider myself as the luckiest person, for three of the best people in the world are my best friends. I couldn’t imagine in the wildest of my dreams that I could ever again believe in the word ‘friendship’, but they proved me wrong and this time I feel so right in being wrong. I’m thankful for everything they have done for me, and most importantly for showing me the true meaning of friendship and for rebuilding my faith in true friendship. 

Well yeah, this one was again about friendship, but a friendship that has made all the difference...

Change

(This write-up is something I wrote 3 months back but dropped the idea of posting it, just posting it now!)

With the thoughts like swirling winds, here I’m with another write-up. I’m very well aware of the fact that I’m writing after a very long time.

Last few months have been exhausting, very exhausting actually, mentally, physically as well as emotionally. The series of events happened in the last few months have left me flabbergasted, shaking the very core of my existence, my beliefs and my identity.

Everything has changed, from the people to the equations I used to share with them. People say I too have changed but then change is the only constant and inevitable thing in the world. Honestly speaking, I’m perplexed, perplexed out of my own wits for I don’t know if my deluded heart is ready for the change. Accepting the truth is one thing, not that I haven’t accepted the truth but a part of me still wants to seek refuge in the familiar, though I’m unsure about the extent of the familiarity of the familiar. What an absurd thought, isn’t it? Or maybe I’ve reached a point where I know I can’t get rid of the skeleton lying in my closet, no matter how hard I try to, I think I should rather teach it to dance...

Why it become so difficult to push away those random feelings sometimes, this question has been haunting me. Few months back, I made a choice, I chose accepting the truth rather than living in denial. But now I feel like I’ve made a mistake. I should have suppressed my feelings and continued to live in denial. If nothing else, my life would have been somewhat simpler. Sometimes I feel happy, sometimes numb, sometimes depressed, sometimes just flabbergasted but more importantly I feel choked. It’s like you are trying to escape, you run, you run harder but at the end you reach the same point from where you have started. In some situations escapism just doesn’t work. At times I feel guilty, for I know my life is better than many out there and I shouldn’t be feeling this way. Not that I don’t value what I have, I feel blessed in many ways but these incidents are sucking the life out of me. I write because writing makes me feel better; penning down my deepest thoughts is more like getting rid of those dark feelings but this time even this method of escapism is not working. 

I feel trapped as if a lot of cobwebs have settled around me and I feel like there is no way of brushing them away. I just want to run away from all this, to an unknown place where I can act like the way I’m. All what I’m doing these days is pretending to be happy, faking a smile and trying to make people around me happy, which is just another way of escapism for me but now I’m tired of doing all this. It’s like walking on a dark path, not knowing where it would take me. I stand there, in the middle of nowhere, trying to figure out my way but life doesn’t really make any sense to me. Waking up every morning is like getting up and entering into another nightmare. Earlier I used to think that eventually the things will get better but with the passing time I’ve realised it’s not the things that get better, the pain eventually becomes an inseparable part of our identity. I think I should give it some time, I’ve heard time heals all the wounds but what about the scars which are left behind, do those scars disappear too? I guess I’m in search of solace...

Another Day in Fangirl's Life...

Time…it flies so quickly, so quickly that sometimes you can’t even realise…

Ah..here again I’m sitting in the office, taking a break for a while from work as I finished up the tasks assigned to me. Well, just sitting and contemplating, looking back at all what happened exactly one year back. For others, 10^th September might  just be an another day but for me, this day is a bunch of sweetest memories, that basket of priceless moments which can bring an instant smile on my lips. Just walking down the memory lane and sharing an experience which happened exactly one year back…

This time I’m totally clueless about where to start from, for everything happened so quickly n unexpectedly…Actually I was waiting for this opportunity since last one and a half year (since 17^th June, 2012 to be precise), I was planning everything, from the gift which I wanted to give him to the excuse I would make for leave from office as well as in front of my relatives with whom I live in New Delhi and everything.

It was last week of August and I was ready with everything, I made a scrapbook for Shahid to give him as a gift. August ended and September started, to my disappointment I was diagnosed with Typhoid. The news of typhoid shattered me emotionally, mentally and physically still there was a slight ray of hope that I’ll meet Him. The moment Jay sir tweeted that Shahid would be coming to Delhi filled my heart with immense joy and that slight ray of hope was getting brighter with every coming day. I remember, when I was diagnosed with typhoid I was not even in a position to sit for more than 5 minutes. Seeing my condition, my parents took me back to my hometown which is 130 km away from New Delhi. ‘Shak se milna hai’ vali feeling was getting stronger, more stronger that it started taking over the typhoid and my body started recovering like some miracle. Within 4 days I could stand and walk around the house. But there was no information regarding Shahid’s visit to New Delhi. I was getting more restless with every passing moment. We all the Shanatics from New Delhi tried every possible way to get the information but everything in vain. 

On 9^th September, the day Shahid visited Ahmedabad but didn’t meet any fan or visited any mall for promotion, that little ray of hope dropped, I felt like I lost it..this time I won’t meet him, I cried a little and then composed myself and tried every possible way to divert my mind from it and ended up watching Mausam which by far is my favorite movie..then suddenly Shahid tweeted ‘See you all at dt mall at 2:30 tomorrow in Chandigarh.’ I had no plans of going to Chandigarh to meet him, my sister is studying there so I called her and told her everything, she told me that she’ll go and meet Shahid. I was happy that if not me, atleast she would be able to meet him.

It was 11:30 in the night and I was lying on the bed and thinking about random stuff, then I suddenly thought what if I go to Chandigarh to meet Shahid, although I was somewhat reluctant in going to Chandigarh, as I don’t know anything about the city and travelling alone in some unknown city in typhoid vali condition seemed a scary thought to me, I thought about it again and decided to take the risk..

Finally the day arrived, I woke up n told my dad about my plan of going to Chandigarh to which he refused, I talked to my mom and she was scared like hell in letting me go all alone in the unknown city. Mom had no problem with my visit to Chandigarh if I take my dad along with me but dad had some important meeting. After an hour long discussion, finally dad agreed to accompany me to Chandigarh.

I got ready as quickly as I could and leave the house at about 11am. Chandigarh is actually some 140 km away from my hometown, it would take me around two and a half hours to reach there by car. At about 2:15 pm I reached the DT Mall and started searching out somebody who could help me in meeting Shahid. I was looking out for Kim but she wasn’t there, I tried to talk to the organizers but they were very rude. I again tried to talk to them and showed my scrapbook, then they told me to go to the other floor where the press conference was supposed to be held. I went there and tried convincing them to let me go inside but they refused saying that either I should bring identity proof which media people carry or I should make them talk to the manager of the mall. I again went down to the ground floor and searched the manager but he didn’t even listen to what I was trying to say. Then I just stand there and waited for Shahid to come, after 15 minutes, police and security gaurds started taking their positions, my eyes were glued to the door from where they were supposed to enter and then in between the tall bouncers…

I SAW HIS FACE, I SCREAMED AND ALL THE EYES TURNED TO ME AND THEN TOWARDS THAT DOOR, 

Then everyone started screaming, there he was, dressed in Black Jeans and white shirt with a tint of light blue, all tanned, looking extremely Oh So Adorable, his brown hair, those eyes, that smile which make my heart skip numerous beats n there I was staring at him, lost in some other world…I regained my conscious when my sister shake my up and said ‘why aren’t you screaming’ then I started screaming again, it was at that time Kruti Ma’am noticed us and signaled us to scream more loudly. We literally screamed our lungs out, SHAHID TURNED AND NOTICED, WAVED AT US AND GAVE A FLYING KISS TOO…!!!

Then he started speaking, I don’t remember what he said to audience, all what I remember was he sang ‘Tu Mere Agal Bagal Hai’ and danced on it too with Ileana…I was trying to call Kruti Ma’am but she couldn’t hear me…after 10-15 minutes they went for the press conference, we ran upstairs, then my sister disappeared in the crowd, after 10 minutes she called me and told that she was sitting in the press conference and I was like WTF !!! How come?? Then she disconnected the call…I again tried my luck to enter but failed again…

After that I came downstairs, went to my dad and started crying. At that moment I had lost all the hope of meeting him, then my dad took me upstairs again, he tried to talk to some people but nothing happened. Then I met Lavanika n her mom, they also wanted to meet Shahid and were trying to enter the press conference but they had contacts with someone from the organizing team, no one let them enter in the press conference but a guy told them to go to the parking and wait near Shahid’s car, he gave the number of the car too…we went to the parking and waited there for around one hour, although I was broken and shattered, still I was trying, maybe I was waiting for some miracle…there was a small office in the basement of the mall, we were waiting near the door of that office and Shahid was in that office, it was 4:30 at that time and my sister was supposed to reach her hostel by 5:15 pm and we had no clue about her whereabouts. Dad called her and she told him that she was with Shahid and would be coming after getting a pic clicked with him, I requested the female police staff to help me in giving the scrapbook to Shahid but they told me that they can’t help me, sad and totally disheartened, I went near the door of that office, dad tried to talked to the bouncers requesting them to allow me to go inside as I wanted to give scrapbook to Shahid. They saw the scrapbook and assured me that they’ll help me still I was doubtful…after few minutes my sister came out of that door jumping and flaunting her pic with Shahid, I was about to cry again but controlled my tears somehow, then my dad told my sister to go inside again and give the scrapbook to Shahid, she literally snatched the scrapbook from my hand and when she was about to go inside, the lady cop (the same lady I requested) standing near the door stopped her, pointed towards me and said ‘She has made that scrapbook and she should go inside to hand it over to Shahid, not her sister’ . The bouncers quickly agreed and let me go inside that office…I entered the office and saw Shahid standing there interacting with media, I just couldn’t move, just couldn’t stop drooling over him ( He is the most beautiful creation of GOD…lagta hai bohot fursat mein banaya hoga God ne Shahid ko) There I was, standing few centimeters away from him, drooling him n dupki maroing in his eyes while he was busy in interacting with media…then someone pushed me and I realized that I came inside to hand over the scrapbook, my eyes searched for Kruti Ma’am for I know only she could help me. I found her but she was standing at a distance (there were 4-5 people between me and her) and requesting other people to not to make any noise, I tried to call her but she didn’t notice, then I requested the boy standing beside me to call her, he didn’t but some other guy told Kruti Ma’am that I was calling her. She came to me and I told her everything and requested her to make me meet Shahid. She told me that they were already late for their flight and she can’t help me. I requested her to allow me to meet him only for 2 minutes. She said she can’t promise but will surely try to do whatever she could and asked me to wait. I again started drooling over Shahid…I must say those few minutes were the best few minutes when I was looking at him with the dreamy expressions on my face…in between I was looking at Kruti Ma’am and she signaled me to wait. Then finally those media persons asked their last question and Shahid went inside another small cabin. Kruti Ma’am went inside that cabin too, after few seconds she came out, I called her and she signaled me to come, then she hold my hand and took me along with her, she opened the door of that cabin, said something to Shahid n let me go inside, Shahid looked at me and gave me a big smile and I blanked out again (just like on 16^th June, 2012) then,

Shahid: Hello !!

Me: Hello Shahid!! *in my trembling voice*

Shahid: How are you??

Me: I can’t believe I’m actually meeting you. *Shahid smiled n I blanked out again*

Kruti Ma’am enters and talk to me

Kruti Ma’am : I can’t give you much time, you wanted to give him the scrapbook, hurry up… Btw do you want a pic with Shahid

Me: Yeah *still trembling I handed my phone to Kruti Ma’am*

Shahid: Come here for the pic

*Me all confused went near him, Kruti Ma’am clicked the pic, I looked at Shahid, he was waiting for me to say something*

Me: I made this little gift for you *still trembling*

Ileana: Aww.. *I didn’t notice she was sitting there too*

Me: I..I…made this scrapbook for you *Handed over scrapbook to Shahid*

Shahid: Thankyou so much *with a big smile on his face*

Me: Please dekh zaroor lena,  you are busy right now but please…if possible let me know you liked it or not..please Shahid..maybe on twitter or email…please

Shahid: Okay…sure I will…thankyou !!!

Kruti Ma’am: You have to leave now

Me: Bye Shahid!!

Shahid: Bye…

Me: Thankyou so much Kruti Ma’am!!!

Kruti Ma’am : You’re welcome…bye !!

With that I leave that office with a big smile on my face, went outside, screaming and running, thanked that lady cop and ran directly to my dad…my sister told me that we should go and stand near the car, they can come out at any moment…

We went near the car, within 2 minutes they came out, I saw Shahid holding my scrapbook, he waved at all the fans waiting for him in the parking area, sat inside the car with Ileana and they went..!!!

This was my experience, just can’t thank Kruti Ma’am enough for it, she is such a sweetheart…

Thankyou Shahid for being that nice…

Last but not the least, Thankyou Papa…for cancelling your important meeting and taking me there…!!!!

Friendship...

Coming back to office after a four days break is equally annoying as having no WiFi and low battery in your phone . What’s more annoying is sitting in office and having absolutely nothing to do, which either makes my mind think crappy thoughts or it prompts me to write down some more crappy stuff, and that’s what I’m doing right now. So here I’m yet again, with another write-up which I initially planned to do on friendship’s day but got pre-occupied with other things and didn’t get time for it.

I have a question to ask…what is friendship? Sometimes I feel like it’s an entirely alien word for me. Is friendship something we see in those bollywood flicks like Jaane Tu Ya Jaane Naa or Kuchh Kuchh Hota Hai, or it is the kind of relation that Munnabhai shared with Circuit. Or is it something else…? To be honest, I’ve never experienced something like this before, like the kind of crap they show in the flicks. The reality is far, very far away from what they show in movies.

Friendship for me has always been synonymous with the unconditional support, trust and backing up each other at the weakest hours. And I have done that throughout my life. Sadly, the people out there, the people I’m surrounded by, the people whom I considered my friends once don’t think that way. I’m startled...not startled actually, I’m delinquent…delinquent, for I expected the same from the people I considered as my ‘best friends’. Delinquent for the trust that I had put on those people, and delinquent for sharing my deepest insecurities with them. Not expectations, in my opinion trusting people is the mother of all screw-ups. And that’s what I did! I trusted with all my heart, with a thought that this friendship would last forever…but I forgot that there is nothing like FOREVER! People just stay in your life until they need something from you, and when that need is fulfilled they leave you and go!  Just like a tissue, I feel like being used...used and trodden, and left all alone, all broken and vulnerable. They said their heels are higher that my standards, what about the time when they needed my help and begged for it, those ‘lower-than-their-heels’ standards were acceptable to them at that time ? It’s just that, at that time I was an unused tissue. I thought my ‘friends’ would lift me up, lift me up above from those unfathomable insecurities and set me free, when all what they did  was bring me down, down to a level where I couldn’t breathe, leaving me shattered into pieces, without any strength to gather them up…

I should have moved on, because it’s a part and parcel of life, but ‘Moving On’ seems a rocket science to me. I feel like I’m chained, chained by the shadows of my past. The clouds of gloominess have overpowered the sunshine of my heart and soul. It took a lot out of me to trust somebody and share what I actually feel, and they broke that trust, they broke me from inside out!  I know I can’t travel back into the time to fix this clutter up, all what I can do it is to learn from those mistakes and forgive myself, for the trust that I put once…for self inflicted pain from which my soul goes through, whenever I look back to the past. Now when I’m realizing how being busy can be good, as it keeps one away from over-thinking and sulking, it keeps me away from looking back to the past, now I realize the meaning of the line in a deeper sense.  I don’t want to hold grudges against anyone, for I know the hatred would do nothing apart from consuming my mental peace and happiness! Some people just don’t understand your worth in their life, they never will! All what I want is to let it go and free myself from those haunting of my past.

As I gather the pieces of ‘Shattered Me’, I come across my life saviors…I won’t use the word ‘Friends’ because I have seen enough of friendships in last one year. I will just address them as my life saviors. And I would like to thank them for accepting me as I am. I know I’m not perfect, I have done some of the shittiest things, I sulk a lot at times, still these  life saviors have been  there, standing by me and pulling me out of the pain, their words are a healing therapy for me and I’m glad that they are a huge part of my life…Thankyou MM, Ranting Partner and Dilliwala Foodie, Adda & Girlgang Team for being there and bearing with my crappy thoughts…Love You Guys!

 

The Dramaqueen...

So here I’m, starting my another out-of-boredom write-up, well…eh without completing the one I was writing before…well I’m not a kind of person who loves to talk a lot about the random things going on in my mind,  I prefer to pen down my untamed sequence of thoughts…

This write-up is about a girl, yes again it’s about a girl…well I would prefer to call her a dramaqueen, because that’s what she is! I knew her since last one year but recently got an opportunity to work with her. The people who have already worked with her tag her with different titles like mad woman, high-headed, arrogant, showoff and what-not. The list is endless. But I’m not a kind of person who judge people based on other’s opinion. I don’t judge people before observing them at least. I like to know the story behind the people or the reason which has made them the way they are…

This started one month back when my boss sent me to help her out. Initially I was very happy, since working with her would keep me away from my boss and his nasty taunts, such a male chauvinist he is! Moreover, going in a big corporate office and working in an entirely different atmosphere, I was pretty sure I would learn a lot of new things.  I was excited!

Things started off really well between us, though she was a little bossy. I won’t say she was arrogant, but yeah I feel like she has some trust issues with people around her, maybe that’s why she likes everything to be cross-checked at least thrice! As the days passed, I realized almost everybody in that office hated her even those people who have never interacted with her even once hated her. I found it very weird. She was the ‘Toofaan’ of the that office, she won’t let you work if you are the one sitting next to her, not because she is talkative but she has a very high pitched voice. Her phone calls make other people bang their heads against their desks.

No matters what people say about her, I have a very different opinion. She is irritating at times, she made me work on the day when I was on leave, screwing up my entire day. She surely knows to keep me on my toes. I agree, she appears cold from outside but somewhere, deep beneath the cold exteriors, there lies her heart, a heart which has the same kind of concern as an elder sister’s heart cares for her younger sister. I think I’m over-doing it a little but the way she showed her concern was actually touching and unexpected. Just narrating a small incidence, one day she made me stay up late in the office, the time I left the office It was already 8:30 pm and it would took me an another hour to reach back home. When you live in a city like New Delhi and travel all alone, safety is undoubtedly a major concern. When I left office I was equally scared and annoyed but luckily I reached home safely. There was no battery left in my phone so I put my phone on the charging and occupied myself with other day-to-day stuff. Being the kind of absent minded person I’m, I completely forgot about my phone, which was on vibration mode. By the time I realized about my phone, it was almost 12 am. I checked my phone and there were 6 missed calls and 4 text messages, leaving me totally panicked. Out of 6 missed calls, 5 calls were from her. All the messages were from her, what she wanted was to just know if I have reached safely or not. I replied almost immediately and apologized for not replying earlier. I was somewhat touched by her concern, it was totally unexpected. Next morning a colleague of mine called me up and told the same phone call story. Well, it was not the first time that I stayed up late in the office but my boss was never bothered to enquire about my safety.   

Though she is a control freak and can be bit annoying at times, but working with her was fun. If she made me work hard, she gave me free time to enjoy as well. I learnt many new things while working with her. One more thing which I need to learn from her is how to grab a seat in the metro during peak hours. Though not related with my main work, but I’m pretty sure that this is going to help me in longer run. Earlier I feel very hesitated in talking to people, but now I’m more confident and open up…I won’t say we bonded really well like best friends  but yeah there is a bond which I can’t explain in words, it’s not totally informal but it is definitely beyond totally professional. At times I feel somewhat hurt by her behavior, for instance she never had lunch with me, she over-reacts at times, either it’s her way or no way but she has been really sweet at times.

And now when I’m back to my office, I miss working with her…I miss her tantrums...her habit of taking unnecessary tension about each and every work assigned to her…her high pitched voice which could pierce anybody’s eardrums…but most importantly  her caring ways. I didn’t find her arrogant, she is just crazy-headed, or maybe she treats different people different ways but she was nice to me, she still is! She is concerned and caring, though she doesn’t show it often. Still somewhere deep in my heart, I wish to know her story, I want to know why people hate her, if she could be nice with me then why does she always covers herself up in her cold exterior…I have many questions but their answers, I don’t think I’ll ever find them….