Friendship...

Coming back to office after a four days break is equally annoying as having no WiFi and low battery in your phone . What’s more annoying is sitting in office and having absolutely nothing to do, which either makes my mind think crappy thoughts or it prompts me to write down some more crappy stuff, and that’s what I’m doing right now. So here I’m yet again, with another write-up which I initially planned to do on friendship’s day but got pre-occupied with other things and didn’t get time for it.

I have a question to ask…what is friendship? Sometimes I feel like it’s an entirely alien word for me. Is friendship something we see in those bollywood flicks like Jaane Tu Ya Jaane Naa or Kuchh Kuchh Hota Hai, or it is the kind of relation that Munnabhai shared with Circuit. Or is it something else…? To be honest, I’ve never experienced something like this before, like the kind of crap they show in the flicks. The reality is far, very far away from what they show in movies.

Friendship for me has always been synonymous with the unconditional support, trust and backing up each other at the weakest hours. And I have done that throughout my life. Sadly, the people out there, the people I’m surrounded by, the people whom I considered my friends once don’t think that way. I’m startled...not startled actually, I’m delinquent…delinquent, for I expected the same from the people I considered as my ‘best friends’. Delinquent for the trust that I had put on those people, and delinquent for sharing my deepest insecurities with them. Not expectations, in my opinion trusting people is the mother of all screw-ups. And that’s what I did! I trusted with all my heart, with a thought that this friendship would last forever…but I forgot that there is nothing like FOREVER! People just stay in your life until they need something from you, and when that need is fulfilled they leave you and go!  Just like a tissue, I feel like being used...used and trodden, and left all alone, all broken and vulnerable. They said their heels are higher that my standards, what about the time when they needed my help and begged for it, those ‘lower-than-their-heels’ standards were acceptable to them at that time ? It’s just that, at that time I was an unused tissue. I thought my ‘friends’ would lift me up, lift me up above from those unfathomable insecurities and set me free, when all what they did  was bring me down, down to a level where I couldn’t breathe, leaving me shattered into pieces, without any strength to gather them up…

I should have moved on, because it’s a part and parcel of life, but ‘Moving On’ seems a rocket science to me. I feel like I’m chained, chained by the shadows of my past. The clouds of gloominess have overpowered the sunshine of my heart and soul. It took a lot out of me to trust somebody and share what I actually feel, and they broke that trust, they broke me from inside out!  I know I can’t travel back into the time to fix this clutter up, all what I can do it is to learn from those mistakes and forgive myself, for the trust that I put once…for self inflicted pain from which my soul goes through, whenever I look back to the past. Now when I’m realizing how being busy can be good, as it keeps one away from over-thinking and sulking, it keeps me away from looking back to the past, now I realize the meaning of the line in a deeper sense.  I don’t want to hold grudges against anyone, for I know the hatred would do nothing apart from consuming my mental peace and happiness! Some people just don’t understand your worth in their life, they never will! All what I want is to let it go and free myself from those haunting of my past.

As I gather the pieces of ‘Shattered Me’, I come across my life saviors…I won’t use the word ‘Friends’ because I have seen enough of friendships in last one year. I will just address them as my life saviors. And I would like to thank them for accepting me as I am. I know I’m not perfect, I have done some of the shittiest things, I sulk a lot at times, still these  life saviors have been  there, standing by me and pulling me out of the pain, their words are a healing therapy for me and I’m glad that they are a huge part of my life…Thankyou MM, Ranting Partner and Dilliwala Foodie, Adda & Girlgang Team for being there and bearing with my crappy thoughts…Love You Guys!