Friendship...

Coming back to office after a four days break is equally annoying as having no WiFi and low battery in your phone . What’s more annoying is sitting in office and having absolutely nothing to do, which either makes my mind think crappy thoughts or it prompts me to write down some more crappy stuff, and that’s what I’m doing right now. So here I’m yet again, with another write-up which I initially planned to do on friendship’s day but got pre-occupied with other things and didn’t get time for it.

I have a question to ask…what is friendship? Sometimes I feel like it’s an entirely alien word for me. Is friendship something we see in those bollywood flicks like Jaane Tu Ya Jaane Naa or Kuchh Kuchh Hota Hai, or it is the kind of relation that Munnabhai shared with Circuit. Or is it something else…? To be honest, I’ve never experienced something like this before, like the kind of crap they show in the flicks. The reality is far, very far away from what they show in movies.

Friendship for me has always been synonymous with the unconditional support, trust and backing up each other at the weakest hours. And I have done that throughout my life. Sadly, the people out there, the people I’m surrounded by, the people whom I considered my friends once don’t think that way. I’m startled...not startled actually, I’m delinquent…delinquent, for I expected the same from the people I considered as my ‘best friends’. Delinquent for the trust that I had put on those people, and delinquent for sharing my deepest insecurities with them. Not expectations, in my opinion trusting people is the mother of all screw-ups. And that’s what I did! I trusted with all my heart, with a thought that this friendship would last forever…but I forgot that there is nothing like FOREVER! People just stay in your life until they need something from you, and when that need is fulfilled they leave you and go!  Just like a tissue, I feel like being used...used and trodden, and left all alone, all broken and vulnerable. They said their heels are higher that my standards, what about the time when they needed my help and begged for it, those ‘lower-than-their-heels’ standards were acceptable to them at that time ? It’s just that, at that time I was an unused tissue. I thought my ‘friends’ would lift me up, lift me up above from those unfathomable insecurities and set me free, when all what they did  was bring me down, down to a level where I couldn’t breathe, leaving me shattered into pieces, without any strength to gather them up…

I should have moved on, because it’s a part and parcel of life, but ‘Moving On’ seems a rocket science to me. I feel like I’m chained, chained by the shadows of my past. The clouds of gloominess have overpowered the sunshine of my heart and soul. It took a lot out of me to trust somebody and share what I actually feel, and they broke that trust, they broke me from inside out!  I know I can’t travel back into the time to fix this clutter up, all what I can do it is to learn from those mistakes and forgive myself, for the trust that I put once…for self inflicted pain from which my soul goes through, whenever I look back to the past. Now when I’m realizing how being busy can be good, as it keeps one away from over-thinking and sulking, it keeps me away from looking back to the past, now I realize the meaning of the line in a deeper sense.  I don’t want to hold grudges against anyone, for I know the hatred would do nothing apart from consuming my mental peace and happiness! Some people just don’t understand your worth in their life, they never will! All what I want is to let it go and free myself from those haunting of my past.

As I gather the pieces of ‘Shattered Me’, I come across my life saviors…I won’t use the word ‘Friends’ because I have seen enough of friendships in last one year. I will just address them as my life saviors. And I would like to thank them for accepting me as I am. I know I’m not perfect, I have done some of the shittiest things, I sulk a lot at times, still these  life saviors have been  there, standing by me and pulling me out of the pain, their words are a healing therapy for me and I’m glad that they are a huge part of my life…Thankyou MM, Ranting Partner and Dilliwala Foodie, Adda & Girlgang Team for being there and bearing with my crappy thoughts…Love You Guys!

 

The Dramaqueen...

So here I’m, starting my another out-of-boredom write-up, well…eh without completing the one I was writing before…well I’m not a kind of person who loves to talk a lot about the random things going on in my mind,  I prefer to pen down my untamed sequence of thoughts…

This write-up is about a girl, yes again it’s about a girl…well I would prefer to call her a dramaqueen, because that’s what she is! I knew her since last one year but recently got an opportunity to work with her. The people who have already worked with her tag her with different titles like mad woman, high-headed, arrogant, showoff and what-not. The list is endless. But I’m not a kind of person who judge people based on other’s opinion. I don’t judge people before observing them at least. I like to know the story behind the people or the reason which has made them the way they are…

This started one month back when my boss sent me to help her out. Initially I was very happy, since working with her would keep me away from my boss and his nasty taunts, such a male chauvinist he is! Moreover, going in a big corporate office and working in an entirely different atmosphere, I was pretty sure I would learn a lot of new things.  I was excited!

Things started off really well between us, though she was a little bossy. I won’t say she was arrogant, but yeah I feel like she has some trust issues with people around her, maybe that’s why she likes everything to be cross-checked at least thrice! As the days passed, I realized almost everybody in that office hated her even those people who have never interacted with her even once hated her. I found it very weird. She was the ‘Toofaan’ of the that office, she won’t let you work if you are the one sitting next to her, not because she is talkative but she has a very high pitched voice. Her phone calls make other people bang their heads against their desks.

No matters what people say about her, I have a very different opinion. She is irritating at times, she made me work on the day when I was on leave, screwing up my entire day. She surely knows to keep me on my toes. I agree, she appears cold from outside but somewhere, deep beneath the cold exteriors, there lies her heart, a heart which has the same kind of concern as an elder sister’s heart cares for her younger sister. I think I’m over-doing it a little but the way she showed her concern was actually touching and unexpected. Just narrating a small incidence, one day she made me stay up late in the office, the time I left the office It was already 8:30 pm and it would took me an another hour to reach back home. When you live in a city like New Delhi and travel all alone, safety is undoubtedly a major concern. When I left office I was equally scared and annoyed but luckily I reached home safely. There was no battery left in my phone so I put my phone on the charging and occupied myself with other day-to-day stuff. Being the kind of absent minded person I’m, I completely forgot about my phone, which was on vibration mode. By the time I realized about my phone, it was almost 12 am. I checked my phone and there were 6 missed calls and 4 text messages, leaving me totally panicked. Out of 6 missed calls, 5 calls were from her. All the messages were from her, what she wanted was to just know if I have reached safely or not. I replied almost immediately and apologized for not replying earlier. I was somewhat touched by her concern, it was totally unexpected. Next morning a colleague of mine called me up and told the same phone call story. Well, it was not the first time that I stayed up late in the office but my boss was never bothered to enquire about my safety.   

Though she is a control freak and can be bit annoying at times, but working with her was fun. If she made me work hard, she gave me free time to enjoy as well. I learnt many new things while working with her. One more thing which I need to learn from her is how to grab a seat in the metro during peak hours. Though not related with my main work, but I’m pretty sure that this is going to help me in longer run. Earlier I feel very hesitated in talking to people, but now I’m more confident and open up…I won’t say we bonded really well like best friends  but yeah there is a bond which I can’t explain in words, it’s not totally informal but it is definitely beyond totally professional. At times I feel somewhat hurt by her behavior, for instance she never had lunch with me, she over-reacts at times, either it’s her way or no way but she has been really sweet at times.

And now when I’m back to my office, I miss working with her…I miss her tantrums...her habit of taking unnecessary tension about each and every work assigned to her…her high pitched voice which could pierce anybody’s eardrums…but most importantly  her caring ways. I didn’t find her arrogant, she is just crazy-headed, or maybe she treats different people different ways but she was nice to me, she still is! She is concerned and caring, though she doesn’t show it often. Still somewhere deep in my heart, I wish to know her story, I want to know why people hate her, if she could be nice with me then why does she always covers herself up in her cold exterior…I have many questions but their answers, I don’t think I’ll ever find them….