Can't think of an apt title...

Whoa! Unable to sleep and feeling overwhelmed by my feelings, I’m writing something after a gap of almost an year. Isn’t it funny how quickly time flies? A lot of things have changed, including me of course!  Lately I have realized that I’ve given unnecessary importance to the people and feelings which didn’t deserve the tiniest bit of my attention and energy rather than focusing on the ones who are the centre of my universe. Well yeah, this one is about friendship too, but it’s not the stuff I usually write about. 

It’s all about the time, sometimes love comes from the most unexpected corners. I came across this quote and in my opinion, no truer words have been said; “The single hand that wipes your tears in your difficult times is more valuable than the countless hands that come together to clap on your success.” Friendship knocked me down to the lowest and left me shattered, and when I was gathering the pieces of ‘shattered me’, I stumbled upon three vibrant souls who left me completely awestruck. Fixing the pieces up and bouncing back to life as a stronger and wiser person wouldn’t have been possible if they weren’t there to fill their love in those voids, or I should say scars that were left on my bruised soul. When people get to know you, when they see the darkness of your soul, very few are brave enough to stay, and after knowing it all, after knowing the real me and my fuck ups, they stayed. My problems became theirs, and they solved them up with a kind of compassion that’s very rare these days, for everyone is so occupied with their own issues, yet they were there all the time to listen to my endless ranting about life, people, and relevant as well as irrelevant issues. It’s unbelievable, how someone who is miles apart can understands you so well that they can figure out you are not okay just by the words you use while texting  them.  From the conversations about totally random topics to the deep intellectual 2am type of conversations, unconditional love binds us together. They are the ones who have been happier than me in my happiness and worried about me during the bad times. No one has ever cared  for me like they do, listening to me and knocking some senses in my head when they themselves were having a terrible headache, for the words that were like a magical healing therapy for my heart, for pulling me out of my pain and making me smile when I felt like my world was falling apart, traveling long distance in the metro on an insanely hot and humid day just to meet me and making me feel so special, and for being the best people in every possible way and uplifting me and thinking  that despite of all my flaws, I’m not a horrible person and I’m worthy of being loved. Little things done purely out of love occupy a huge space in my heart, no matter I say it or not...and honestly the list is very long.

As I write this one up with a huge grin on my face and teary eyes, I reminisce and contemplate all the wonderful moments spent with them. When you are with the right set of people, you can make awesome-tastic memories with something like cucumbers, pancakes, cheesecake which wasn’t exactly a cheesecake, or even saas-bahu soaps.  Sometimes words fail to express what the heart feels and it’s one those times. Life seems beautiful when your blessings are bigger than any of your problems and fears. It’s not that I don’t have any problems or fears, but more than that I’m blessed to have them. Their mere presence is enough to light up my life, like the stars that light up the dark sky. I consider myself as the luckiest person, for three of the best people in the world are my best friends. I couldn’t imagine in the wildest of my dreams that I could ever again believe in the word ‘friendship’, but they proved me wrong and this time I feel so right in being wrong. I’m thankful for everything they have done for me, and most importantly for showing me the true meaning of friendship and for rebuilding my faith in true friendship. 

Well yeah, this one was again about friendship, but a friendship that has made all the difference...

Change

(This write-up is something I wrote 3 months back but dropped the idea of posting it, just posting it now!)

With the thoughts like swirling winds, here I’m with another write-up. I’m very well aware of the fact that I’m writing after a very long time.

Last few months have been exhausting, very exhausting actually, mentally, physically as well as emotionally. The series of events happened in the last few months have left me flabbergasted, shaking the very core of my existence, my beliefs and my identity.

Everything has changed, from the people to the equations I used to share with them. People say I too have changed but then change is the only constant and inevitable thing in the world. Honestly speaking, I’m perplexed, perplexed out of my own wits for I don’t know if my deluded heart is ready for the change. Accepting the truth is one thing, not that I haven’t accepted the truth but a part of me still wants to seek refuge in the familiar, though I’m unsure about the extent of the familiarity of the familiar. What an absurd thought, isn’t it? Or maybe I’ve reached a point where I know I can’t get rid of the skeleton lying in my closet, no matter how hard I try to, I think I should rather teach it to dance...

Why it become so difficult to push away those random feelings sometimes, this question has been haunting me. Few months back, I made a choice, I chose accepting the truth rather than living in denial. But now I feel like I’ve made a mistake. I should have suppressed my feelings and continued to live in denial. If nothing else, my life would have been somewhat simpler. Sometimes I feel happy, sometimes numb, sometimes depressed, sometimes just flabbergasted but more importantly I feel choked. It’s like you are trying to escape, you run, you run harder but at the end you reach the same point from where you have started. In some situations escapism just doesn’t work. At times I feel guilty, for I know my life is better than many out there and I shouldn’t be feeling this way. Not that I don’t value what I have, I feel blessed in many ways but these incidents are sucking the life out of me. I write because writing makes me feel better; penning down my deepest thoughts is more like getting rid of those dark feelings but this time even this method of escapism is not working. 

I feel trapped as if a lot of cobwebs have settled around me and I feel like there is no way of brushing them away. I just want to run away from all this, to an unknown place where I can act like the way I’m. All what I’m doing these days is pretending to be happy, faking a smile and trying to make people around me happy, which is just another way of escapism for me but now I’m tired of doing all this. It’s like walking on a dark path, not knowing where it would take me. I stand there, in the middle of nowhere, trying to figure out my way but life doesn’t really make any sense to me. Waking up every morning is like getting up and entering into another nightmare. Earlier I used to think that eventually the things will get better but with the passing time I’ve realised it’s not the things that get better, the pain eventually becomes an inseparable part of our identity. I think I should give it some time, I’ve heard time heals all the wounds but what about the scars which are left behind, do those scars disappear too? I guess I’m in search of solace...